The timing was perfect for Frozen Pond to bring in-store our first ever basketball player as an autograph guest.  We had to keep in mind that basketball players are not hockey players.  Our ice heroes are well known to be the friendliest of the four major sports groups.  We had some involvement in one prior basketball experience and it was not pleasant.  Damon Stoudamire had agreed to do an appearance for a friend of ours, and matter-of-factly cancelled the night before.  But we figured that aligning ourselves with the Raptors most marketable player could only have positive benefits.  After all, what could possibly go wrong?

I arranged to pick Bosh up at his downtown condo on the Saturday of the signing at 3:00 p.m.  We had scheduled the public appearance to begin at 4:00, so this allowed plenty of time for us to get uptown to Frozen Pond and for Bosh to sign all our pre-ordered (mail order) merchandise.  I buzzed Chris from the lobby at 2:45 and he said he would be right down.

3:00 p.m. came and went.  3:15.  3:30.  3:45.  4:00 – still no sign of Bosh and my calls to him were going unanswered.  At 4:15, Chris came out of the elevator – with his mother, cousin, and a couple of friends.  Since Bosh is quite large (6’10”), there was no way all those people were going to fit into my vehicle.  Chris’ cousin went to get her own car.  Now it was 4:30. 

Bosh and his mother Freida drove with me.  I love the drives up to the store with the athletes.  This is where the bonding experience takes place.  This is where we spend time in uninterrupted conversation and where I get to learn the personality of the player.  Except in this instance, Bosh decided that taking a nap was more important than acknowledging my questions.  Luckily Freida was very conversant and pleasant.

We arrived at the store just before 5:00 p.m., almost an hour after his scheduled starting time.  The crowd was large, but I was told it was even larger before a number of frustrated people had asked for a refund and left.  Normally when a player is late, I keep in contact with the store so they can inform the customers of a new timeline.  In this instance, I had no idea what was keeping Bosh or what time he would be arriving in his lobby, so we were as much in the dark as the customers.  I was never given a reason why I was kept waiting for so long.

We sat Bosh down at the autograph table immediately upon his arrival.  He did not address the crowd or offer any kind of apology for his tardiness, in fact, he barely spoke to people at all.  He spent long periods of time watching the NCAA tournament game on one of the televisions.  He repeatedly checked his phone and sent text messages, often at the same time while he was signing an autograph.  Not only did he not answer people when they asked questions, he did not even look at or acknowledge them.  I learned the hard way why basketball players have the reputations they do.

Freida Bosh, on the other hand, was phenomenal.  She bought all the Raptors mini-basketballs we had and gave them to kids standing in line.  She talked to everyone about Chris and what it was like being the mother of an NBA star.  But it would have been nice if she talked to her son about respecting his fans.

We had paid for a two-hour appearance.  Chris got through the line and signed the mail order items in about 90 minutes.  We pulled out a pile of basketballs and photos for him to sign for our own stock.  He signed for about 2-3 minutes, and then got up to watch some more of the basketball game.  His cousin told me not to worry; that he would sign the remainder of items before he left.  Shortly thereafter, he walked out the door.  His cousin gave me a look of “Oh well – I tried” and then disappeared into oblivion herself.  A drawing that a child had made for Bosh was left sitting behind on the table.

We immediately put in a call to Bosh’s agent’s office.  We explained that he came late, left early, and was quite rude to the public.  The gentleman we dealt with agreed that this type of behavior was not at all acceptable and said he would make sure the remainder of our items would get signed.  A few days later, I received a phone call from a higher ranking person in the same office who decided that Chris had upheld the terms of his contract and we had no further autographs forthcoming.  I repeatedly asked how leaving half-an-hour early could be deemed as meeting the requirements of our agreement and was never given an adequate answer.  I was basically told I was SOL.

This agent did ask how many customers had been given refunds and said she would send me that money as compensation.  I guess that $400 got lost in the mail.  She kept telling me that she heard how Freida had bought everyone basketballs.  I agreed that Freida was great (although Chris signed all those balls for free – hence cutting into my profits), but that didn’t change Chris’ commitment to the appearance.  After several weeks of getting nowhere, I sent an email to Chris’ cousin.  I told her that I had 400 unsigned photos leftover, and I would let her keep 300 of them if Chris signed the other 100 for us.  I thought it was a fair offer, and she knew we had been rooked in the deal.  I received a reply from her telling me that I have to deal with the agent.  So much for compassion.       

I then had to decide if I wanted to sue Chris Bosh.  I would have won.  I took it to my lawyer and the breach was obvious.  Bosh upheld few of the “implied” terms (be cordial, be pleasant, smile) and violated several of the stated ones (arrive late, not stay for agreed upon length of time).  It was ludicrous that the agent did not want to make me happy, especially after her underling had agreed that Bosh defied our agreement.

In the end, I just let the whole thing go.  It would not be in my best interests to sue a local superstar, especially one that plays on a team also owned by the local hockey club with whom I do a lot of business.  Bosh could have soured my name in the dressing room, and who knew if I ever needed him for something again.  It made sense to leave open the option.

It’s not the first time I was finagled by a professional athlete, but it never gets easy to deal with.  Bosh was paid an obscene amount of money for writing his signature, and the least he could have done was uphold the terms of his contract.  Who knows, maybe he was having a bad day, or maybe he grew up in a sheltered environment and no one told him what was expected of him.  I think we all know that’s not the case here, but why not offer a possible excuse for his behavior?  Bosh was well-known for his philanthropy while in Toronto, as well as his work with youth groups.  Unfortunately, I was preconditioned to never get that warm and fuzzy feeling when I read about such efforts.

Have fun in Miami, Mr. Bosh.  You certainly didn’t make any friends under this roof.  Hopefully the Florida sunshine will help warm your personality to the public.

I am extremely saddened by the death of Bob Probert.

Here it is a few hours after the announcement of his passing, and I find myself reminiscing about past experiences.

He was a friend.  Well – as good a friend as you can be with a guy who lives 3 ½ hours away and who I would see 2-3 times a year.

We met when I brought him into Frozen Pond for an autograph session in 2006.  He was a good guy – I liked him. He asked me for an autographed photo of Alex Ovechkin’s “goal” against Phoenix and left without taking it.  I told him I would hold onto it for him.

He would talk openly about anything – drugs, alcohol, his problems with the law.  His wife, his kids, his newfound sobriety.

He told me he had just built a bar in his basement.  I asked him if it was an Evian bar, a juice bar, a soft drink bar?  “Well – mostly sober”, was his response.

He once signed autographs for me in a parking lot.  On a garbage can.  In the rain, partially covered by the overhang of a pavilion.

He was terrible at returning phone calls.  I mean – really, really bad.  His wife Dani often acted as the conduit of information between us.  Once Bryan Trottier even acted as the medium.

He was the first person eliminated in last season’s Battle of the Blades.  He was terrible.  He had about as much rhythm as I do.

He toured recently with the Legends of Hockey, and had to drive right past us to get to an event in Barrie.  I called and told him he was due for a visit.  I really just wanted to get rid of that freakin’ Ovechkin photo already.  It had been on my desk for almost four years.

He came in and confirmed the helmet we owned from the movie “The Love Guru” was in fact his.  He even posed for a nice picture with it. 

He scored the last NHL goal at Maple Leaf Gardens, and autographed pucks commemorating that event were excellent sellers.  We did not have any pucks in stock at the time, so he promised he would be back soon to sign some for us.

That’s not going to happen now. 

We’re going to miss you Probie.  This was one fight he was never given a chance to win.  Now the pearly gates have a new enforcer.  I wouldn’t try to sneak in, unless you want to get pummeled. 

As per our corporate policy, we do not take advantage of tragedy. All in-stock Bob Probert autographed memorabilia will be sold at regular price. All orders that have been placed over the past twenty-four hours will be filled, as per availability.  

Bergie’s roommates in Vancouver were Sidney Crosby and Shea Weber, his 2005 World Junior teammates.  Each Canadian player was given up to 6 tickets per game, but requests had to be made by mid-January.  The players had to buy their own souvenirs.  Luckily there was a store set up in the Athletes’ Village, so the players did not have to spend four hours in line like most consumers.  While their daytime itineraries were pretty full with practices, meetings, and video sessions, the players were able to spend a lot of time with friends and family, usually after games.  Since Team Canada games started at 5:00 p.m. local time, games were finished before 8:00 which allowed for plenty of down time. 

After the gold medal game, Bergie said most players partied at Molson Canadian Hockey House for a while, before dispersing to do their own things.  He was up all night and got no sleep before he boarded a plane the next morning. 

Jonas Gustavsson told me that he received so much swag (t-shirts, caps, etc.) as a member of the Swedish Olympic team; he couldn’t carry it all home.  So he left a duffle bag full of goodies in his room when he checked out of the village.  AAARRRGGGHHH!!!  I lectured him that if a similar situation should ever arrive, to call me and I will send a personal valet to help him carry his items.  I love that kind of stuff, and can’t believe it went to waste.  How cool would it be to have an actual Team Sweden Olympic track suit or the like?

I told Patrik Elias this story, and he told me he did the exact same thing.  Elias bought so many souvenirs for people that he had to leave a pile of his Team Czech Republic goodies behind due to lack of space in his luggage.  I’m thinking whoever was responsible for cleaning out those rooms made out like bandits.

I learned that as a bowler, the aforementioned Gustavsson is a pretty good hockey goalie.  I was privileged to watch The Monster take on teammate Fredrik Sjostrom in a friendly post-season bowling match while they were stranded in Toronto awaiting the volcanic dust to clear over Europe.  Sjostrom beat Gustavsson by the menial score of 89-83.  Jonas told me he was just warming up, and I commented that was a good thing, since I didn’t think he could score any worse.

The 2010 Boston Marathon was won by Robert Kiprono Cheruiyot in a course record time of 2:05.52, breaking the previous record of 2:07.14 set by Kenya’s Robert Kipkoech Cheruiyot in 2006.  Believe it or not, the two men are not related.  Wouldn’t that be akin to Wayne Gretzky’s scoring records being broken by another man from Brantford named Wayne Gretzky?

An oldie but a goodie – Clark, the Canadian Hockey Goalie.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdf4GeT4ELA

Hopefully everyone has received Frozen Pond’s spring mailing over the past few weeks.  We are offering the largest selection of 2010 Team Canada Olympic signed items available anywhere, and these items are HOT!!!  For those yet to receive a hard copy, a digital version is available at http://www.frozenpond.com/download/fp_spring2010.pdf.

A hearty “Mazel Tov” to our friend Vinnie Lecavalier on the birth of his first child.  Victoria Lecavalier was born May 3 and checked in at 6 pounds, 12 ounces.  She will be eligible for the NHL Draft in 2028.

Speaking of Vinnie, please enjoy this story about Frozen Pond friend Hayden Allison’s recent encounter with his favorite player.

A Bobby Orr rookie game-worn jersey recent sold at auction for the astounding price of $191,200 U.S. How long until a Sidney Crosby jersey surpasses this amount?

There are a lot of rumors circulating about the short term viability of Upper Deck.  The company that once dominated the sports card industry is now fighting for its survival.  They lost their license from Major League Baseball in 2009, but continued to produce cards regardless.  This resulted in a lawsuit that cost UD over $2.4 million in settlement fees.

This came on the heels of another settlement with Konami, where UD admitted they stole intellectual property by fraudulently manufacturing and distributing Yu-Gi-Oh cards without a license.  That settlement was also rumoured to be well into seven-figures.

Upper Deck also lost their basketball and football trading card licenses, as well as their exclusivity to produce NHL hockey cards.  This has left the company with only a fraction of their previous revenue streams.  Players are complaining about not getting paid for autographs signed, and the MLBPA went so far as to “strongly advise” players not to return any signed cards to UD until payments were brought up to date.  The union also recommended against signing any new agreements with the company.

The above happenings coupled with the fact that UD laid off a good percentage of their staff makes you wonder how long they can continue to operate.  Established in 1989, Upper Deck helped revolutionize the trading card industry and became the most powerful player in the history of the sports collectibles hobby.  But some bad decision making and rumors of inappropriate business dealings has haunted them in recent years.  Look for Panini America to take over as the new company of choice for hobbyists.

Panani did make a brilliant move by hiring Al Muir as their hockey brand manager.  The former editor of Beckett Hockey Magazine has kept a low profile since being unceremoniously let go almost two years ago.  Muir has been in the industry as long as anyone and is extremely knowledgeable of the marketplace.  I’m expecting great things from this company.

The NHL Alumni took all the sticks from an end-of-season Leafs game and auctioned them off to raise money for their internal charities.  I love examining results such as these, because they are a near-exemplary “apples to apples” comparison of player popularity.  Here are the results:

Beauchemin - $300
Bozak - $151

Caputi - $110

Exelby - $132

Giguere - $215

Grabovski - $211

Gunnarsson - $142

Gustavsson - $721

Hanson - $142

Kaberle - $210

Kessel - $253

Komisarek - $142 (game-issued)

Kulemin - $170

Mitchell - $110

Orr - $120

Phaneuf - $1050 (plus helmet)

Schenn - $170

Stalberg - $130

Wallin - $100

Not counting Phaneuf, whose selling price was skewed due to the inclusion of a helmet, is it surprising that Jonas “The Monster” Gustavsson’s stick sold for almost 2.5X as much as the next popular Leaf?  Not to me.

This one is rated PG13, but had to be included here since it involves two of my favorite things – Hank Azaria and baseball.  It is also unbelievably hilarious.

http://www.funnyordie.com/hank_azaria

It’s nothing to do with anything, but I really like this song - Fireflies, by Owl City.  Not a huge fan of the video though. (I think this blog has set an all-time record for number of included links.)

I’m not trying to open a can of worms or anything, but did anyone else notice Canada had an unfair advantage at the Vancouver Olympics?  It seems that Scott Niedermayer was playing with a tree…

Here is another photo that I’ll bet you haven’t seen.  Do you think that the Prime Minister’s office will license it for distribution?  What is a Sidney Crosby/Stephen Harper signed combo photo worth?

While on the topic of the Olympics, here is a breakdown of the auction prices realized for the Team Canada’s jerseys worn for the game versus Switzerland:

Bergeron - $4,550

Boyle - $4,050

Brodeur - $5,100

Crosby - $35,100

Doughty - $3,750

Fleury – Game-Issued (not worn) - $2,609

Getzlaf - $3,302

Heatley - $2,850

Iginla - $5,655

Keith - $2,550

Luongo - $4,700

Marleau - $2,550

Morrow - $3,050

Nash - $2,950

Niedermayer - $4,401

Perry - $2,275

Pronger - $2,550

Richards - $3,800

Seabrooke - $3,550

Staal - $4,350

Thornton - $2,850

Toews - $8,839

Weber - $4,150

Not too shabby for jerseys that were only worn one game.  It’s interesting to do a comparative amongst the players.  Is Jonathan Toews really 2X-3X as popular as most of his teammates?  Should Patrice Bergeron be as valuable as Roberto Luongo?  Is Dan Boyle 50% more popular than any of his Sharks brethren?

For a similar comparable, Frozen Pond auctioned off a number of autographed Olympic pucks in the days after the Closing Ceremony.  Here are the results:

Brodeur - $170-$330

Datsyuk - $95

Doughty - $75-$151

Fleury - $57-$129

Gustavsson - $60-$77

Heatley - $67

Iginla - $127

Kessel - $49-$62

Langenbrunner - $264

Luongo - $89-$184

Malkin - $112-$153

Ovechkin - $200

D. Sedin - $45

H. Sedin - $74

Zetterberg - $51

All of which proves one thing – that Jamie Langenbrunner is the most popular player in hockey, by far.  J  Either that or two people really wanted the only signed puck of the U.S. captain that was available on NHL.com at the time.

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Did anyone else find it coincidental that Sidney Crosby’s missing stick and glove were both “found” on the same day?  Basic instinct told me there was more to this story than what was being let on, and a little investigating confirmed my suspicions.  Apparently the stick was on its way to a wealthy and influential Russian hockey stick collector named Sergei Afanasiev.  The Globe and Mail even reported on the incident, although for some reason, it was not widely distributed.

So a Team Canada equipment person (or someone closely affiliated with the club) “accidentally” puts Crosby’s stick into a bag bound for the “IIHF Hockey Hall of Fame in Russia”, even though no such entity exists. What do you suppose this “person” was paid for his transgressions, and why has this not turned into an international incident?  Why did Hockey Canada lie about it, since even Afanasiev admits the stick was given to him for his own collection?

Or was the entire episode nothing more than a series of innocent mistakes?  Since I may have to work with some of these people in the future, I will leave the conclusions to the reader.    

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I went grocery shopping at Sobey’s the other day, and the cashier would not give me a penny off on my $80 bill in order to prevent me from breaking a twenty.  So I asked for my cash back, and put the entire purchase on my Visa, thereby burdening the supermarket with a credit card expense of about $1.50.  I will also no longer shop at that location.  Kind of a high price to pay for a penny, don’t you think?

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So Vesa Toskala is traded to Anaheim, cannot get a Visa to work in the U.S., and then is traded back to a Canadian team (Calgary).  Why is a player who lived and played in the U.S. for a number of years suddenly being denied a work Visa?  Again – is this purely innocent, or is there more to the story?  Was Calgary just looking to clear cap space at the end of the season, or am I in a conspiracy theorist mood today?

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We recently had an Alex Ovechkin autographed puck up for auction and someone decided to send us a query under the “Ask Seller a Question” link.  The email read “Alex – did you really sign the puck?” 

Wow – the fun we could have had replying to that one.  “Dear Sir – Yes, my $120+ million contract (not to mention endorsements) barely covers the cost of my vodka and caviar bill, so I have now taken to signing pucks and selling them myself via internet auctions. You can be assured that the signature is real as it includes a COA from a third-party authentication service.  Sincerely, Alex.  P.S. – I have to go score lots of goals now.”

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I am a Pierre Maguire fan, but there are those that say he talks too much and says far too little.  This great quote came while talking about Drew Doughty during the Canada vs. Switzerland Olympic game – “He tries to be strong but he doesn’t be strong.”  I couldn’t have said it better myself.

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This email was sent to us a couple of months ago.  Talk about a bargain, and just look at that quality signature…

Thank goodness for their lifetime guarantees and third party autograph authentication, otherwise I would have been really concerned about the legitimacy of this piece.     I see Muhammad Ali and Mickey Mantle autographs being offered all the time for $99 each and wonder what kind of ignorance it takes to purchase something at five-to-ten cents on the dollar and assume you are acquiring a legitimate signature.  That is assuming that any of these items are actually being sold.

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Tim Tebow – an exceptional college quarterback with marginal professional prospects who may end up in the CFL – recently had his first-ever public autograph appearance at a mall in Palm Beach Gardens, Florida.  The former Heisman and national championship-winning quarterback is admired by the masses in Gator country for his accomplishments on the field and his clean-cut nature and religious devotion off it.

Regardless, many felt the asking price of $160 for an autograph and $75 for a photo with Tebow was a tad bit excessive.  Apparently this wasn’t the case for the 900 people that showed up and kept Tebow at the appearance for over 4 hours.  Wow – they either really love their college football in Florida or this guy is beyond larger than life.  That price is astronomical and possibly the worst autograph investment I have ever heard.  But alas, I have preached many a time that sports collectibles should be purchased due to love of the game and not for ROI purposes, so congratulations to those that waited up to 7 hours and received a thrill by meeting their hero.  I wonder if any of these folks are Leafs fans?    

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Jersey collectors better be prepared to shell out some big bucks come Fall, as eleven NHL teams will be wearing new sweaters next season.

The above Sabres jersey has by no means been finalized and may only be worn for the team’s 40^th Anniversary season in 2010-11.  Anaheim, Calgary, Columbus, Dallas, Nashville, NYI, NYR, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, and Toronto will all be altering either their home/road or third jerseys in some way.

For the Penguins, the baby blue third jersey will be replaced, while the Leafs are keeping their thirds intact but updating the striping and patches on their home and road uniforms.  Nashville’s third jersey will become their home sweater and their alternate jersey will be scrapped.  Several other jerseys will not be a surprise, such as the Flyers Winter Classic and the Flames retro jerseys becoming standard attire.  Expect a number of press releases over the summer months to officially debut the new designs.

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It was disheartening this past December when Paul Henderson informed me that he was in the early stages of leukemia. He had not gone public with the news and I respected his privacy in the matter. Now that he has announced his illness, I think some of Henderson’s story should be told.

Paul Henderson is a remarkable man and I have never seen anyone handle such a tragic situation as well as he has. He is the first member of the Henderson family to live past the age of 60 (he is 67) and is thankful every morning he wakes up. He is in the best shape of his life and credits his faith for helping in this time of need. He has an email list of 500 friends and supporters that pray for him every day.

It is too early in his illness to diagnose a strategy, so he is actually not taking any medications and his lifestyle has not changed. He has read about some radical treatments taking place in Germany, but says it is far too early to start considering them.  He is banking the knowledge though, should he need it at a later time.  He is in no pain.

Henderson is a national treasure in Canada and we wish him the best on his road to recovery.

Has everyone seen the great Tim Hortons commercial that has Sidney Crosby talking about Frozen Pond?  Check out the 12-second mark.  Talk about some great free advertising.  Thanks Sid!!!

The Pittsburgh Penguins recently held a charity event where each player served as a celebrity team captain for a competing bowling team.  The shirts worn by the players were then autographed and auctioned off on NHL.com.  So whose jersey do you think garnered the highest bid?  Nope – think again.  Nope – not him either.  And no, this isn’t yet another Marc-Andre Fleury plug either.

I was thrilled that McFarlane Toys finally decided to do a Marc-Andre Fleury figure, as I have been bugging them for years to do so.  But it would have been nice if they actually took the time to spell his name correctly.

There are actually several variations of the base of his figure, some with a patchwork fix-it job and some that look natural and are spelled correctly.  Regardless, this type of thing should not be happening.

We have noticed a recent influx in knock-off NHL jerseys, the ones that are being illegally manufactured and imported from China.  While the average fan may not notice a difference, the quality of these jerseys is horrendous.  The names and numbers are made from the wrong material and are often sewn in the wrong font.  The jerseys themselves are lightweight and extremely prone to ripping.

When the cost of oil shot up in 2008, UPS started adding a surcharge to all shipments.  Even though fuel costs are now reasonable again, UPS still charges the added fee.  Last year, they added a $1.00 surcharge for deliveries to residential addresses.  That fee has since gone up to $1.50, and now $1.85.  If you spell one letter of a street name wrong, or list the zip code incorrectly, there is an $8 charge.  That amount is up from $5 only two years ago. 

This jersey was seen at a recent autograph signing:

How would you like to be the promoter who booked New Jersey Devils players Niclas Bergfors and Johnny Oduya for an autograph session in New York on March 21?  Both players were shipped to Atlanta in the Ilya Kovalchuk deal.  Talk about bad luck.

I was surprised to learn that 25,000 Olympic volunteers had to PAY for their uniforms, which consist of a top and pants.  The cost – only $700.  I wish I could find some volunteers that will pay for the privilege of working.

Our thoughts and prayers go out to Jean Beliveau.  Good health, my friend.

Signed Olympic jerseys may be tougher to come by this year, as it seems Nike seriously underestimated demand for their product. There are no jerseys to be had at the wholesale level right now, and apparently no more are being produced. I had a request to provide 30 Team Russia jerseys for the wives of the players to wear in the stands, but coming up with the jerseys was an impossibility. We are doing an autograph session with Phil Kessel this week, but have no access to Team USA jerseys.  We have a handful of Canada jerseys in stock, but are debating whether or not to save them for possible higher-dollar sales down the road.

I am sure that Nike had vast amounts of unsold product after the disastrous 2006 Olympic hockey results, and played it extra cautious this time around.  Hopefully there will be enough jerseys available to at least come close to meeting customer demand.

Sports Collectors Digest (SCD) has been the sports collectibles industry publication dating back to the 1970’s. It was a must read, and I remember eagerly anticipating each week’s issue and reading it cover to cover. In its heyday, some issues were over 400 pages thick.

The economic downturn has obviously hit the company hard. It was not unusual for issues in 2009 to peak at 36 pages, while they rarely exceeded 50.  SCD took to accepting ads from less than reputable companies in an effort to stay afloat. This never would have happened in the old days, when all advertisers were screened and the publication diligently followed up on customer service issues.

I let it go the first time, but there’s no way it’s going unmentioned again. The Toronto Marlies, the Maple Leafs AHL affiliate that is also owned by the parent club, sent out an email blast in November promoting their upcoming bobble head nights. I had to send the Leafs an email, making note that 3 of the 5 players listed had their names spelled wrong.

Vesa Toskula (Toskala)

Terry Sawchuck (Sawchuk)

Jonus (Jonas) Gustavsson

Remember all the Fabian Brunnstrom hype last year? Dallas won the sweepstakes for the free agent Swedish star, and he looked like an amazing find after scoring a hat trick in his first NHL game (only the 3^rd player ever to accomplish the feat).  This year, he has one goal and eight points and has spent time in the minors.

We can actually play this game with a lot of players.  Last season I called Kyle Turris a “Jonathan Toews clone” and picked him to win the Calder Trophy. After a disappointing 20-point year, Turris has spent the entire 2009-10 season playing in the AHL.  Viktor Tikhonov and Mikkel Boedker also spent the majority of last season on the Coyotes roster and had huge expectations thrust upon them. Right now, both are struggling to score for the San Antonio Rampage.

Other players having disappointing seasons include:

Shawn Horcoff – 19 points in 45 games and making $5.5 million a year

Chris Drury – 19 points in 47 games

Sergei Samsonov – 15 points in 40 games (so much for his re-birth)

Dennis Wideman - -8 for Boston after finishing with a +32 last season

Chris Higgins – 13 points in 51 games for the Rangers

Jonathan Cheechoo – 13 points in 51 games for the Senators – did he really win the Rocket Richard Trophy in 2006?

Rod Brind’Amour – 12 points in 49 games

Andrew Cogliano – 12 points in 50 games

Ethan Moreau – 8 points in 49 games

Ville Leino – 7 points in 42 games; Justin Abdelkader – 6 points in 48 games – see my comments on them in “The Pond Chronicle”

McFarlane Toys recently released a promotional photo of Jonas “The Monster” Gustavsson signing bases that are to be randomly included in packaging for their NHL 24 series being shipped in April.

My favorite part of the image is the framed autographed photo of Patrick Roy in the background.  That was actually my Christmas gift to Jonas.  He idolized Roy as a youth, and the photo is inscribed “To Jonas, Best of luck in your NHL career, Your friend, Patrick Roy”. Thanks for your help Patrick.

NHL hockey pucks from Sher-Wood (formerly InGlas Co) are made in Slovakia. This would just be the rubber puck itself, as they are printed and designed in Quebec.

We recently actually had someone return a signed puck they had ordered because “I wanted a Bobby Hull Blackhawks puck, not a puck from Slovakia.”

Along those lines, can I make a respectful request to customers in general?  Be nice.  If you wanted an autographed Doug Gilmour Leafs puck and got sent a Calgary puck by mistake, just let us know and we will correct he mistake.  It’s amazing when we receive emails saying “This is entirely unacceptable and I will never do business with your company again.”

By no means are these occurrences frequent, but they do happen.  It is extremely busy during the Christmas season, and quality control suffers a little in the process.  All you have to do is inform us of the situation and it will be rectified.  If your steak dinner is brought to your table with fries instead of a baked potato, do you storm out of the restaurant?  Mistakes are bound to occur in the course of doing business, and we appreciate everyone’s patience while things get sorted out.

We are big fans here of Toronto Maple Leafs rookie goaltender, Jonas “The Monster” Gustavsson.  Everyone that sees him play says he is the real deal.  He was an extremely late bloomer, not hitting the radar of NHL scouts until he was 24 years old.  At least twenty-five teams showed interest in him in the off-season, and after a marathon tour and a lot of self thought, he decided the Leafs were the best team for him.

He lost his father a few years ago, his mother over the summer, and has since had two heart procedures performed.  Mix in a groin injury and it has been a difficult start to his career on this side of the ocean.

But Cookie (I like to call him ‘Cookie Monster’) has taken it all in stride and has the attitude of a champion.  He is still projected as the Leafs goaltender of the future and we foresee him becoming one of the top backstoppers in the league.

In a recent auction of game-used jerseys from the November 7 Hall of Fame game, Gustavsson’s sweater sold for more ($1,550) than any other player on the Leafs.

So a professional athlete had an extramarital affair; what a surprise.  You are rich, you are famous, you are in shape, and you are on the road a lot.  What do you think these guys do with their nights?  By no means am I condoning cheating on your wife – I am just saying it is far more prevalent than you would think.  What would you do if beautiful women threw themselves at you on a regular basis?

So Brian Burke’s son is gay.  Good for him and it’s great that Burkie accepts him as he is.  Is this really newsworthy?  I suggest we keep the sexual orientation of celebrity relatives out of the sports pages. 

I wrote several months ago about the demise of the BC Sports chain of stores in the Northeast U.S.  I commented how that took away another autographed memorabilia outlet and was not good for the hobby.

On a positive note, some stores in the chain have emerged from liquidation proceedings and reopened.  On a negative note, I received an email from a former store employee saying they stiffed several employees on money-owed when they (temporarily) went under and have no plans to make good on these debts.

Has anyone checked out my predictions (made in September) in the current edition of The Pond Chronicle?

Joe Thornton will finish top-3 in scoring.  Ryan Getzlaf and Zach Parise will each get 100 points.  The Red Wings will take a huge step backwards.  The Flyers will have goaltending issues.  Tim Thomas will struggle.  Carolina and Montreal will not make the playoffs.  The Sharks and Flames in the Western Conference and the Capitals and Penguins in the East.

I am thinking of renting myself out as an oracle.  Just pay no attention to my pick of Nikita Filatov as top rookie and we are good to go.

Thank you for all the positive comments about my last blog, The Autograph Collector’s Manifesto.  Make sure you print out a copy and show it to anyone that questions why you collect what you do.

Hobby icon Richard Scott is back with a new collector’s magazine called The Wantlist.  Make sure you check out his new website and consider a subscription to the magazine.  And no, I am not only saying this because I am a columnist. 

Sorry Leafs fans, but it is true.  Phil Kessel was burned in a deal last year and has no desire to make any public autograph appearances in the near future.  This is too bad, because Toronto drives the memorabilia market and Leafs fans really need someone to cheer for.  Someone besides The Monster, of course.

Thank you to McFarlane Toys for moving up the release date of NHL Series 23.  The new projected arrival for the first week of January will get us the figures in time for our January 8 autograph session with Marc-Andre Fleury.  Heck – it saves me a trip to Pittsburgh to get them signed.

In the same series is a new Alex Ovechkin figure that has people raving about the unique pose.  While it is definitely a cool figure, am I the only one that thinks it looks exactly like ‘N SYNC’s Joey Fatone?

I attended last month’s HOF Induction ceremony in Toronto and in one way it was a very unique experience.  This was my seventh year enjoying the ceremonies, but it was the first time I had ever seen current and recently retired players in attendance.

A number of Devils’ players (Brodeur, Langenbrunner, White, Parise, Pandolfo, Clarkson) shocked Lou Lamoriello by flying in to attend the ceremony.  This was no small feat, as Lamoriello keeps tabs on EVERYONE affiliated with the team, and surprising him is not the easiest of tasks.  Lamoriello even noted their attendance in his speech and comically mentioned that he hoped they anted up for a private plane since they better be back in New Jersey in time for curfew (they had a game the next night).

 Nicklas Lidstrom and Chris Chelios were in attendance to support Steve Yzerman, and I was able to spend some time with Mike Modano, who along with Brendan Morrow, came to see Brett Hull’s enshrinement. 

Obviously the NHL schedule played a part in allowing these players to attend, but it was a great bonus having them in the room.

I wrote several months ago about the Autograph Alert website and its commitment to exposing forgeries and fraudulent dealers within the hobby.  While not sports focused, this site is still a must read for anyone that thinks a company is reputable or beyond reproach just because their name is recognizable.  JSA, PSA/DNA, and a number of the large auction houses have been exposed and we commend the proprietors of the site (who are anonymous) for the work they are doing.  While the site often makes a great case, please remember that anyone mentioned in a negative light is innocent until proven guilty.

I have explained this philosophy to people on so many occasions that I figured it was about time I put it in writing.  While the readers of this blog are by no means my target audience for this rant, I figure they can relate to the questions being asked and the rationale behind my commentary.

Why would anyone pay for an autograph when you can get one for free?

When you attend a public autograph session (at Frozen Pond or elsewhere), you are not just buying an autograph.  You are purchasing an experience. 

Non-collectors can not understand how any sane person could pay $100+ just to get a player to scribble on their keepsake, but let us put that into perspective.  How many people are paying that same amount just to attend a hockey game in most major cities?  10,000 per game?  15,000?  They pay several hundred dollars for tickets to the game and parking.  They get a couple hours of mediocre entertainment and then go home disappointed when their team loses.

Now let’s assume you are paying $100 to meet and receive an autograph from Gordie Howe.  For that $100 you get to meet one of the greatest players ever to play the game.  You get to talk to him for a few seconds.  You get your picture with him.  You get a beautiful signature; potentially personalized just to you.  You get an appreciable asset, something that will have value in the future.  Most of all, you get a memory, something that will never be taken away from you.

I can guarantee the person that attended the hockey game will not have any long-lasting memories, and unless their ticket stub holds some value, there will be nothing left over to show for their money spent.  Sure it’s great to watch Alex Ovechkin play, but am I wrong to assume that the majority of people in the seats would eagerly trade in their ticket for an opportunity to meet him in person and get a souvenir autographed photo and a picture with him?

Of course you could spend your day waiting outside the arena or the team hotel for the chance that you see the player and he stops to sign your item.  But is the opportunity cost of your time not worth something?  Will the quality of the signature be anywhere near what you receive at a formal autograph function?  What are the chances you receive nothing more than a scribble, potentially signed in the wrong color and in the wrong location on your item?  What if you don’t get to see the player at all?

Why pay for an autograph when you can get one for free?  Why go to a concert when you can listen to the same songs on the radio?  Why go to the Super Bowl when you can watch it for free on television?  Sometimes I find the ignorance of this question to be mind-boggling.  Sure you can wait for the chance opportunity that the athlete will be signing fee autographs at a local sporting goods store.  You can arrive four hours early and get the exact same experience as I described above; all the power to you.  But using the same logic, why buy a car or flat-screen television or iPhone when there is a chance it will eventually go on sale?  Do people not buy things because it makes them feel good?

Canadians and Americans are fascinated with celebrities.  I can guarantee that whenever you meet or see one, you tell everyone you know.  So why do some consider it such a bad thing for people to pay for something that brings them enjoyment? 

I read a quote in a chatroom where someone was comparing autograph dealers to the lowest forms of life.  Why?  If you do not want to meet Marty Brodeur or Joe Thornton or Guy Lafleur, that is your prerogative.  No one is forcing you to spend your hard-earned money on something in which you have no interest.  But when we have 1,000+ people show up for some autograph appearances and lineups that last for over five hours, does that really make us bad people?  Is giving people what they want not the definition of capitalism?

I don’t understand how a player can possibly charge for his autograph.  Am I not the one paying his salary?

In most cases, the player is not charging for his autograph; the promoter is.  I am buying two hours of Doug Gilmour’s time and then re-selling it to the public in the form of an autograph.  Is that bad?

If you want a player to appear in your commercial, you have to pay him for his time.  If you want him to speak at your function, he needs to be compensated.  Time is money and it is naive to assume that everything these people do should be free.  Professional hockey players make countless hospital visits and community appearances without being compensated.  They also donate far more to charitable causes than most of us ever will.  But what kind of life would they have if they were expected to do everything asked of them without being offered any kind of remuneration?

Sure you help pay their salary.  But you also pay the salaries of school teachers, bus drivers, and politicians.  Does that give you the right to show up at their houses and expect them to do your laundry?

Most collectors realize how lucky it is that there is a formal industry in place to make athletes accessible to their fans.  It is much tougher to get near actors and musicians, since there are rarely formal autograph sessions in those realms.  I should know.  I tried for years to meet Shania Twain (the future Mrs. Borenstein).  I have a bunch of friends in the music industry, but they could not get me near her.  She was just too big; one of the most popular people in the world at the time.  The closest I came was an offer to sit in on a MuchMusic “Intimate and Interactive” session in downtown Toronto.  But I had already been to her concerts and did not want to see her sing or hear her talk.  I wanted a picture of the two of us, a personalized photo, and a memory.

I eventually ended up with the high bid in a charity auction and enjoyed a quick “Meet and Greet” with her in Detroit in 2003, but the experience cost me a five-figure donation to Shania’s charity.  It was worth every penny, but if there were “Frozen Pond’s” in the music business, I could have saved myself an awful lot of money.

How many hundreds of thousands of tween Jonas Brothers or Justin Bieber fans would right now pay anything for the opportunity to meet their pop idols?  If such a service was available, would it not be beneficial for both parties?    

I went to a Hollywood Autograph show over the summer and met the cast of Happy Days and got them to sign my picture.  I was even able to spend a few minutes talking to Ralph and Potsie.  At the same show, I was able to speak with and get my picture taken with Davy Jones.  I love the Monkees – who wouldn’t want to meet the guy that sings Daydream Believer?  A few years ago, I went to a similar show in Burbank and met Don Knotts.  Now that Mr. Furley is no longer with us, this memory is more special than most. 

Do I chastise the promoters for putting on such a show?  Do I berate the celebrities for having a fee attached to their signature?  Of course not – I value the fact that I was able to meet the people that brought me a great deal of entertainment over the years.  My office is lined with photos of these celebs and I truly treasure my encounters with them.

We have a great hobby, one that pays my salary and keeps me entertained year in and year out.  I just wish the naysayers would tone it down a little.  Our industry provides a ton of enjoyment and keeps famous people clothed in Armani suits long after their playing days are over.  Is that all bad?

I apologize for the delay since the last “Hersh Blog” and I appreciate all the calls and emails asking for an update.  I hope to get back on a regular schedule of 1-2 blogs a week.  I have definitely gathered enough material over the past few months, now I just have to find the time to write the darn things.

The weekend of August 7-9 was very special to baseball fans in Toronto, as members of the 1992 and 1993 World Series Champion Toronto Blue Jays reunited for a number of events to raise money for the Children’s Aid and Jays Care Foundations.  I was thrilled and honored to be a part of it, as these may be the only Toronto sports teams to win a championship in my lifetime.  J

This was the first time these players had been reunited since the 1992 and 1993 seasons.  For many of them, it was their first visit to Toronto since the mid-90’s and the first time they had seen their former teammates in over a decade.

The Friday was spent getting 38 players to each autograph almost 300 pieces that were to be given to sponsors and donors, with the remainder sold off to raise money for the worthy causes.  Jimmy Key arrived at the hotel meeting room shortly before 8:00 a.m.  He wanted to get this done early as he had a fun day planned for his family.  Key was surprisingly quiet, but extremely accommodating.  The strange thing was that he signs his autographs with his right hand.  While well-known as one of the top left-handed pitchers in Blue Jays history (not to mention a no-hitter for the Yankees), Key does everything else right handed.

Apparently you do always have to watch out for the quiet ones, as Key was known as the prankster of the clubhouse.  Duane Ward told me how he once found his cleats nailed into the floor, with Key being the guilty party.

A short time later, the room was a zoo.  There were as many as twelve players signing at a time, accompanied by fifteen Frozen Pond staff, friends, and volunteers.  The biggest problem was that I didn’t recognize anyone.  These guys have definitely changed over the years.  I felt myself embarrassed to ask who players were. 

Joe Carter was an early signer.  He spearheaded the efforts to put this reunion together and deserves much of the credit for an extremely successful weekend.  Carter is still the most popular of all Blue Jays autograph guests, both locally and within the hobby in general.  

Candy Maldonado was extremely personable and funny.  With English not being their primary language, most Latin Americans are somewhat introverted and reserved.  Candy was the exact opposite.  The fact that he calls games for Spanish television probably has a lot to do with his bubbly demeanor. 

Where was Dave Stieb’s moustache?  The top pitcher in Jays history was as well known for his facial hair as for throwing the only no-hitter in team history (not to mention two other no-hitters and one perfect game broken up with two outs in the ninth).  Stieb was a great guest and definitely deserved his World Series ring.  But what was with that unnecessary comeback at the age of 40?  Both Stieb and Pat Tabler were upset that I took pictures of them wearing glasses, so I promised them both that neither photo would be published.

Woody Williams only retired from baseball last year and still looks like he could pitch today.  It bothers me that some of these guys are still roughly the same age or younger than me. 

Part-way through the morning, we had to take nine of the players a few blocks away to the TD BBQ; another of the sponsored events for the weekend.  Little did we know that we would be greeted at the 45-minute autograph session by almost 1,500 people in line and over 5,000 fans in total.  Some good money was raised for Children’s Aid, but a lot of people went away upset over their inability to obtain autographs.  One person actually brought his unused ticket into Frozen Pond the next day and asked for a refund.  Uh – sir.  That says TD BBQ on it, not Frozen Pond BBQ. 

Back to the hotel, and the place was a madhouse.  While all players had been given a designated time to sign, they pretty well just ignored their itinerary and showed up whenever they wanted.  So our well planned, evenly spaced autograph sessions turned into overcrowded rooms followed by needless periods of down time.  Major League Baseball was conducting interviews with all the players in the room next door, and several of the player’s friends and family members sat in on the festivities.  There was a lot going on.

Roberto Alomar was accompanied by his gorgeous wife, Maria.  I have always liked Robbie and feel he gets a bad rap in the press.  We have worked together previously and I find him to be extremely easy going and personable.  He is eligible for Hall of Fame induction next year and I would love to see him get in on the first ballot.

I was one of the million-plus people parading up Yonge Street after the Jays ’92 Series victory.  Co-incidentally, so was Rob Butler.  The local boy was celebrating with the rest of us in ’92, and in ’93 he was actually part of the team.  That’s a great story.  Butler finished his career with a .500 batting average in the World Series (1 for 2).

It was nice to see Pat Borders.  He and I hit the road a couple of times in 1993, appearing at Shopping Malls across southern Ontario to sign autographs.  He would draw 800-1,000 people each time and a ton of money would be made.  Ahhh – the good old days.  I had not seen or heard from Pat in over fifteen years, and today he is pretty much a recluse.  He lives in northern Florida, his eighth child is due next month, no one has his phone number, and he has no interest in reliving his past.  He is still a great guy though, and he definitely enjoyed rekindling some old friendships, especially with Todd Stottlemyre.

Numerous players told me that Danny Cox is the funniest guy you will ever meet and sometimes their sides would hurt from laughing so loud.  He also looks a lot like “East Bound and Down’s” Kenny Powers.

Dave Stewart taught me that his evil stare down was nothing but an act, as the guy could not have been any friendlier.  Stewart was the Jays Assistant GM for a while and is now a player agent.  He was the 1989 World Series MVP while a member of Oakland.

Alfredo Griffin is the first base coach for the Los Angeles Angels.  If the reunion had been two weeks later, he would not even have had to make a special trip into Toronto.  He told me that Damaso Garcia, my childhood favorite, is still fighting a brain tumor and is an “extremely strong individual”.  He did not make it sound like “Damo” had a lot of time left with us.

I will not comment on Kelly Gruber.

Tom Henke is extremely tall (they all are to me) and still has that down-home southern drawl that made him such a “regular guy” fan favorite during his time here.  I’m telling you, most of these guys were so nice that they could be classified as hockey players.

Dave Winfield works for ESPN and was basically in and out.  He signed a handful of pieces for the corporate sponsors, but his exclusivity contract with a U.S. company prevented him from affixing his signature to all the team-autographed product.  We did manage to sneak a few in though.

We tried to bring all the players in to Frozen Pond for public autograph sessions over the course of the weekend, but busy schedules and early-Sunday flights prevented a number of them from participating.  Some of these players’ signatures are in extremely high demand by Jays collectors because they are seldom seen in this neck of the woods.  Guys like Manny Lee, Mark Eichhorn, and Al Leiter would have drawn large crowds if they were able to stick around.

By about 4:00 p.m., the only player that had not signed all the merchandise was David Cone.  I had seen him at the BBQ earlier in the day, but he did not make his way into the hotel meeting room and no one was able to find him.  It turns out that he had a migraine and was out like a light all afternoon.  It’s too bad, because his is another high demand signature for Jays fans.  A perfect game and a Cy Young Award have obviously helped contribute to his popularity.

By the time the day was finished, almost 12,000 autographs had been signed. 

Randy Knorr was originally scheduled to attend, but an illness in his family prevented his participation.  Darnell Coles had to cancel when the Washington Nationals had coaching duties for him, and Mike Timlin was a last-minute scratch when the Colorado Rockies talked him out of retirement and signed him to a minor league deal.

Rickey Henderson was being honored by the Padres the same weekend, and David Wells had much earlier booked an African safari with his family.  Derek Bell was unable to attend as he is either in jail on possession charges or in rehab, depending on the source.

The Jays were honored on field at the Rogers Centre that night, and it would have been really great if more than 30,000 fans had decided to attend.  Back in the glory days, there were 51,000 plus people at EVERY game, as the Jays became the first team ever to draw more than 4 million fans in a season.  I watched the game with the players from a very large, fully catered private suite, which was a really cool experience.

The next morning, we had WAMCO (White, Alomar, Molitor, Carter, Olerud) in the store for a public autograph session.  The place was a mad house.  Collectors came from all over North America to attend, the first getting in line at 4:00 a.m.  I’m just angry that we did not have more time, since I would have loved to get a couple hundred pieces done for ourselves.  Since it was a charity event, the players were appearing for a fraction of their normal appearance fees, and our efforts were entirely donated.  Needless to say, a lot of money was raised on this morning.

John Olerud was easily the player most in demand.  The 1993 batting champion made one appearance at a Jays game in 2006, but aside from that has rarely been back to visit.  Olerud was always known for being one of the quietest and friendliest baseball players you could ever meet, and he did not disappoint.  He is also ridiculously tall and I truly enjoyed his company.  Olerud has a special needs daughter (as does Henke) and spends much of his time raising money for various charitable causes that target special needs children.  You don’t wish something like this on anyone, but John and wife Kelly feel blessed that their daughter Jordan has given them a unique opportunity to give back to others through the foundation they created in her name.

From WAMCO, we were off to the Gala Dinner, where another $45,000 was raised through the Live and Silent Auctions and the raffle.  It was a great night filled with video clips, interviews, and trips down memory lane.

Sunday morning had us at a hotel ballroom near the airport, where 11 more players were poised to take part in public autograph sessions.  Ed Sprague had originally refused this appearance, but then changed his mind six days earlier and was added to the list.  He ended up being our top-seller.  I had no idea how much demand there was for Ed Sprague signatures.

Pat Hentgen, the 1996 Cy Young winner, said that miscommunication was the reason he was not originally scheduled to appear.  He told me a day earlier that he would be driving Dave Stieb to the hotel for his autograph appearance, as they were going fishing immediately thereafter.  Since he was going to be there anyways, we may as well include him in the lineup.  I let Pat know that it was too late to include him in any ads and that we didn’t have any merchandise of him available, but he said he didn’t care and hopefully he could help raise a little money for the charities.

I was shocked when he ended up taking in over $1,000.  I asked him to imagine how well he could have done with 48 hours notice.

Duane Ward turned out to be the anti-Key.  Ward was a fire-balling righty, who signs autographs and does everything else with his left hand.  He said Dale Murphy was the same way, but what are the chances of having two of these guys on the same team?  Who writes with one hand and throws with the other?  Ward is an extremely knowledgeable baseball guy who would love to be a TV or radio analyst for the Jays one day.

In fact, most of the players would love jobs with the Jays.  Paul Beeston (the only guy ever to conduct an autograph session with an unlit cigar dangling from his mouth the entire time) estimated that at least twenty players would ask him about employment over the weekend, with Alomar perhaps being the most public one.  While these guys do not need the money (with a few notable exceptions), they all miss the camaraderie and really want to be part of a team again.  These were the most spoken words in interviews over the weekend; that they all miss the team concept.  These players spent more time with each other than they did with their wives and families, and constant winning made showing up for work every day a ton of fun.  They would love to be invited to Spring Training as guest instructors, even for nominal pay.  They live for Fantasy Camps and wish these reunions could be a regular event.

The Sunday concluded with Shopping Channel appearances featuring Rob Butler, Duane Ward, and myself.  A lot of money was raised through these shows.  The team-signed merchandise actually turned out quite well.  We had developed a lithograph to get signed, but the Blue Jays rejected it and came up with one of their own.  I still like ours better, but it would not have signed nearly as well.  We still have some multi-signed product available for sale (shameless plug), but I really wish we had done a whole lot more.  This was truly a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

The weekend would have to be construed as an unqualified success. Huge crowds greeted the players at all public appearances and most everyone went away happy.  The players were thrilled, the sponsors were thrilled, and the fans were given a special treat.  Hopefully a similar event will happen in the near future.

We arrived at the 20^th Century Fox Studio lot shortly before 9:30 a.m.  Myself, my friend Jack, and my nephews Max and Eric.  Thursday, July 16^th was a day we had been waiting for.  We were going to meet The Simpsons.

I had won a charity auction in May.  The philanthropic Hank Azaria had donated the opportunity to sit in on a Simpsons script reading and then go for lunch with himself and Yeardley Smith.  There was no way I was going to miss this chance and my winning bid was much less than I was willing to pay.

But now the day had arrived.  The Fox lot is so large it has its own streets and you are given a map upon entering.  We parked in our pre-assigned space and were met by a production assistant who gave us a quick tour of the facility.  We saw the exterior sets for House, Bones, and How I Met Your Mother.  The same sets were used as far back as Hello Dolly and more recently, NYPD Blue.  But we didn’t really care about this stuff; we wanted to meet Homer.

A short time later we were taken into a room with a long, thin wooden table surrounded by chairs.  More chairs lined the walls and were two deep in places.  This is the same room where all but one of the 458 table reads had taken place since The Simpsons premiered in December/1989.  

We were each given a copy of that day’s script, titled The Bob Next Door, and told to feel free to meet the cast and get autographs.  For the first time in modern history, I turned into an autograph hound.  It felt like Exhibition Stadium in 1983 and I was waiting in the parking lot for Damaso Garcia and Jim Gott to sign my cards.  But this was much more important, and much more satisfying.

I went up to Julie Kavner (Marge) and had to explain to her that my name is not short for “Herschel”, which happens to be Krusty the Clown’s first name.  I told Nancy Cartwright (Bart) how I had front row tickets for the Toronto appearance of her one-woman show.  I heard someone talking in a Milhouse voice and went up and introduced myself to Pamela Hayden.  And then, it happened.

My nephew Eric was reaching for a muffin at the catered affair when I leaned over and whispered to him, “Look to your left”.  There he was, in a strange blue hat.  It was Dan Castellaneta, the voice of Homer.  I told him he had brought us years of enjoyment and it was a thrill to meet him.  I can’t believe how geeky that sounds.  I have seen so many people unnecessarily fawn and gush over hockey players; it was strange to be on the other side of the table for once.  I even got him to do a “D-oh” for me.

Hank Azaria eventually arrived and greeted me with “I hear you’re my guy.”  Indeed I was, and I told him I was looking forward to our meal.

The script read was organized and quick.  You would think they had done this before.  All the producers, writers, cast members, and production assistants were present.  Everyone knew their cues and read their lines in character.  It was hilarious to see and an honor to be a part of.  We happened to luck into a Sideshow Bob episode.  Paul Reiser and his family were in attendance, viewing the reading just as we were.  Yeardley Smith had an audition and was not present.  Kelsey Grammar’s lines were read by a sound-alike.  The purpose of this undertaking is for the writers to hear their dialogue read aloud to see if the story worked and if jokes were funny.  They were then to gather and make necessary changes to the script.  Azaria told me that a bad read would result in a 50% rewrite, but this one would probably only have about 20% changed.  We thought it was great as is.   

At the conclusion of the read, I finished getting my script signed.  Creator Matt Groening sketched a Homer caricature along with his signature and told me that all the characters with big eyes were his creations, while most others were conceived by other animators.  Harry Shearer scribbled a quick signature and Tress MacNeille happily added a “Vocally yours” inscription.

Lunch with Azaria was nothing short of amazing.  He offered to take us to a real restaurant, but I was happy settling for “Moe’s Café” on the studio lot.  The guy is down to earth and cool and has enough stories to keep you occupied for months.  He is also one of the funniest people on the planet.  I told him that when you’re born with the initials “HA” you kind of have to be funny, and the four-time Emmy winner said it was a lot of pressure to be under.  Azaria was born in Queens in 1964 and is currently competing with the Red Sox’ Kevin Youkilis for the title of the world’s most famous Greek Jew.

His life-altering career opportunity happened by chance.  Another voice actor had recorded the voice of Moe the Bartender in several previous episodes, but the producers were unhappy with the results.  Someone remembered Azaria from an obscure audition and he was given the opportunity to read for the role.  Groening loved him so much he took him directly into the studio and had him record the lines right then.  Azaria said he was literally given $400 on the spot, but did not know if he would ever be needed again.    Twenty-one years later, he is still at it.

Recording episodes has become so easy for these guys that an average work week is no more than six-hours long.  Azaria didn’t even look at his script until earlier that morning, but had his parts mastered almost instantaneously.  The read through took less than half an hour and schmoozing took another twenty minutes.  On Mondays, they record as a group from 10:00 a.m. – 2:00 p.m.  Occasionally, Hank is asked to come back and re-record a line, but that takes no longer than a few minutes.  He has even recorded his lines (through an ISDN line) while filming a movie or vacationing in Europe.  It is that easy.  Azaria now voices over twenty different characters, including Apu, Chief Wiggum, Dr. Nick, Professor Frink, Disco Stu, and Comic Book Guy.

The key voice actors started out making roughly $25,000 an episode, but that soon increased (via two actor’s strikes – well described in a 2007 Vanity Fair article) to $120,000, $350,000 (est.), and now almost $500,000 an episode.  I asked Hank if this cast were the best hourly paid employees in the business and he said they just might be.  He very humbly said it took about ten years for them to start making serious money, but they have been making “obscene” money for the past five.  He mentioned that the salaries are a little misleading, as they include syndication royalties and other revenue streams.  He says the studio likes to announce the higher (misleading) salary numbers in order to gain support should the actors choose to go on strike again. 

The short work week has afforded him the ability to simultaneously undertake multiple projects, allowing him the opportunity for recurring characters on Mad About You and Friends, as well as starring roles on Herman’s Head and Huff.  His movie resume isn’t too shabby either – Tuesdays With Morrie, Dodgeball, Along Came Polly, The Birdcage, Night at the Museum, and dozens of others.  I mentioned Mystery, Alaska, and he apologized for it (it was a bust at the box office), even though I told him it was a hockey movie and I had no choice but to love it.  He was surprised by my commendation.

Azaria said his favorite episode was probably the takeoff on Cape Fear and the most memorable character he has voiced would be Frank Grimes.  Surprisingly, Azaria is not the Simpsons aficionado you would think he would be.  Because he does not have to memorize his lines, they do not stick in his memory.  He also does not usually watch new episodes until 2-3 years later, when he has no recollection at all of the storyline.  He said he enjoys them better that way.

While most celebrity guest stars do not record with the cast, some have, and Azaria counts Aerosmith, Johnny Carson, Mick Jagger, and Elvis Costello amongst the most memorable.   I would imagine that doing an episode with then-wife Helen Hunt would have to register as well.  He said Bruce Springsteen once reneged on an appearance, and they tried to get Arnold Schwarzenegger so many times that they finally relented and gave Shearer the character of McBain.  Hank also enjoyed meeting Steve Sax and a number of the other baseball players in the classic “Homer at the Bat” episode.

Michael Jackson’s uncredited appearance in Season Three made for a great story.  His table read was the only one to take place offsite, with Jackson insisting it be done at his manager’s house.  Azaria said he was friendly but quiet, and didn’t interact much with the others.  Most surprisingly, Jackson had a sound-alike in his entourage, and the singing done in the episode (Lisa it’s your birthday, Ben, Billie Jean) was actually this other guy.  Michael Jackson is a singer, but he had someone sing for him while he did the voice work.  Azaria said Jackson was never known for doing things normally, so this should not be surprising.    

Azaria had his first child, Hal, in early June.  He was born nine weeks premature and Hank has been “living at the hospital” for most of the past seven weeks.  There was a good chance Hal would be able to come home this week.  It was nice seeing this side of  Azaria.  He talked about going out with Hunt for eight years, but it all falling apart after only one year of marriage.  He is very dedicated to “Determined to Succeed”, the charity he co-founded to provide educational support to low-income, inner city youth.  He collects Simpsons animation art of characters he voices, plays in a weekly poker game ($5/$10 no-limit) with other Hollywood celebrities, and is a huge Mets, Jets, and Knicks fan, with Walt Frazier being his childhood idol.

Unfortunately, he is not much of a hockey fan, and that is problematic for me.  I spoke to Hank at length about my desire to be on an episode of the show.  This has been the number one item on my “Bucket List” for a number of years.  He wouldn’t say no, but he did say the chances were remote.  He told me how Hayden Christenson approached him a number of years ago about wanting to be on the show, and Hank arranged a trade with him for a small part in Star Wars.  When Azaria first approached the writers, they had no desire to write a part for Christenson, saying the most recent Star Wars movie had “sucked”.  But he finally talked them into it and called Christenson with the news.  He has not heard back from him to this day.  He was stiffed by the man that would become Darth Vader.

I reasoned with Hank that I’m no Anakin Skywalker, but maybe I could introduce him to the athlete of his choice.  Heck – what do you give the guy that makes a half-million dollars an episode?  Hank said to leave it with him, but pointed out that he’s repeatedly asked the artists to create an animated version of himself, and he can’t even make that happen.  Hmmmm – maybe I should be trying to befriend the writers.   

Ninety-minutes after we sat down for lunch, it was all over.  Hank had been very generous with his time, but he had to get to the hospital.  He recorded a voicemail for my cell phone, gave me his own script from the reading, showed us to the studio gift shop, and off he went.  It was an amazing experience, one I will never forget.  Working with celebrities has been my profession for a number of years, but for a few hours I got to be a fan.  I had forgotten how enjoyable it can be.