We arrived at the 20^th Century Fox Studio lot shortly before 9:30 a.m.  Myself, my friend Jack, and my nephews Max and Eric.  Thursday, July 16^th was a day we had been waiting for.  We were going to meet The Simpsons.

I had won a charity auction in May.  The philanthropic Hank Azaria had donated the opportunity to sit in on a Simpsons script reading and then go for lunch with himself and Yeardley Smith.  There was no way I was going to miss this chance and my winning bid was much less than I was willing to pay.

But now the day had arrived.  The Fox lot is so large it has its own streets and you are given a map upon entering.  We parked in our pre-assigned space and were met by a production assistant who gave us a quick tour of the facility.  We saw the exterior sets for House, Bones, and How I Met Your Mother.  The same sets were used as far back as Hello Dolly and more recently, NYPD Blue.  But we didn’t really care about this stuff; we wanted to meet Homer.

A short time later we were taken into a room with a long, thin wooden table surrounded by chairs.  More chairs lined the walls and were two deep in places.  This is the same room where all but one of the 458 table reads had taken place since The Simpsons premiered in December/1989.  

We were each given a copy of that day’s script, titled The Bob Next Door, and told to feel free to meet the cast and get autographs.  For the first time in modern history, I turned into an autograph hound.  It felt like Exhibition Stadium in 1983 and I was waiting in the parking lot for Damaso Garcia and Jim Gott to sign my cards.  But this was much more important, and much more satisfying.

 

I went up to Julie Kavner (Marge) and had to explain to her that my name is not short for “Herschel”, which happens to be Krusty the Clown’s first name.  I told Nancy Cartwright (Bart) how I had front row tickets for the Toronto appearance of her one-woman show.  I heard someone talking in a Milhouse voice and went up and introduced myself to Pamela Hayden.  And then, it happened.

 

My nephew Eric was reaching for a muffin at the catered affair when I leaned over and whispered to him, “Look to your left”.  There he was, in a strange blue hat.  It was Dan Castellaneta, the voice of Homer.  I told him he had brought us years of enjoyment and it was a thrill to meet him.  I can’t believe how geeky that sounds.  I have seen so many people unnecessarily fawn and gush over hockey players; it was strange to be on the other side of the table for once.  I even got him to do a “D-oh” for me.

Hank Azaria eventually arrived and greeted me with “I hear you’re my guy.”  Indeed I was, and I told him I was looking forward to our meal.

 

The script read was organized and quick.  You would think they had done this before.  All the producers, writers, cast members, and production assistants were present.  Everyone knew their cues and read their lines in character.  It was hilarious to see and an honor to be a part of.  We happened to luck into a Sideshow Bob episode.  Paul Reiser and his family were in attendance, viewing the reading just as we were.  Yeardley Smith had an audition and was not present.  Kelsey Grammar’s lines were read by a sound-alike.  The purpose of this undertaking is for the writers to hear their dialogue read aloud to see if the story worked and if jokes were funny.  They were then to gather and make necessary changes to the script.  Azaria told me that a bad read would result in a 50% rewrite, but this one would probably only have about 20% changed.  We thought it was great as is.   

At the conclusion of the read, I finished getting my script signed.  Creator Matt Groening sketched a Homer caricature along with his signature and told me that all the characters with big eyes were his creations, while most others were conceived by other animators.  Harry Shearer scribbled a quick signature and Tress MacNeille happily added a “Vocally yours” inscription.

Lunch with Azaria was nothing short of amazing.  He offered to take us to a real restaurant, but I was happy settling for “Moe’s Café” on the studio lot.  The guy is down to earth and cool and has enough stories to keep you occupied for months.  He is also one of the funniest people on the planet.  I told him that when you’re born with the initials “HA” you kind of have to be funny, and the four-time Emmy winner said it was a lot of pressure to be under.  Azaria was born in Queens in 1964 and is currently competing with the Red Sox’ Kevin Youkilis for the title of the world’s most famous Greek Jew.

His life-altering career opportunity happened by chance.  Another voice actor had recorded the voice of Moe the Bartender in several previous episodes, but the producers were unhappy with the results.  Someone remembered Azaria from an obscure audition and he was given the opportunity to read for the role.  Groening loved him so much he took him directly into the studio and had him record the lines right then.  Azaria said he was literally given $400 on the spot, but did not know if he would ever be needed again.    Twenty-one years later, he is still at it.

 

Recording episodes has become so easy for these guys that an average work week is no more than six-hours long.  Azaria didn’t even look at his script until earlier that morning, but had his parts mastered almost instantaneously.  The read through took less than half an hour and schmoozing took another twenty minutes.  On Mondays, they record as a group from 10:00 a.m. – 2:00 p.m.  Occasionally, Hank is asked to come back and re-record a line, but that takes no longer than a few minutes.  He has even recorded his lines (through an ISDN line) while filming a movie or vacationing in Europe.  It is that easy.  Azaria now voices over twenty different characters, including Apu, Chief Wiggum, Dr. Nick, Professor Frink, Disco Stu, and Comic Book Guy.

 

The key voice actors started out making roughly $25,000 an episode, but that soon increased (via two actor’s strikes – well described in a 2007 Vanity Fair article) to $120,000, $350,000 (est.), and now almost $500,000 an episode.  I asked Hank if this cast were the best hourly paid employees in the business and he said they just might be.  He very humbly said it took about ten years for them to start making serious money, but they have been making “obscene” money for the past five.  He mentioned that the salaries are a little misleading, as they include syndication royalties and other revenue streams.  He says the studio likes to announce the higher (misleading) salary numbers in order to gain support should the actors choose to go on strike again. 

 

The short work week has afforded him the ability to simultaneously undertake multiple projects, allowing him the opportunity for recurring characters on Mad About You and Friends, as well as starring roles on Herman’s Head and Huff.  His movie resume isn’t too shabby either – Tuesdays With Morrie, Dodgeball, Along Came Polly, The Birdcage, Night at the Museum, and dozens of others.  I mentioned Mystery, Alaska, and he apologized for it (it was a bust at the box office), even though I told him it was a hockey movie and I had no choice but to love it.  He was surprised by my commendation.

 

Azaria said his favorite episode was probably the takeoff on Cape Fear and the most memorable character he has voiced would be Frank Grimes.  Surprisingly, Azaria is not the Simpsons aficionado you would think he would be.  Because he does not have to memorize his lines, they do not stick in his memory.  He also does not usually watch new episodes until 2-3 years later, when he has no recollection at all of the storyline.  He said he enjoys them better that way.

 

While most celebrity guest stars do not record with the cast, some have, and Azaria counts Aerosmith, Johnny Carson, Mick Jagger, and Elvis Costello amongst the most memorable.   I would imagine that doing an episode with then-wife Helen Hunt would have to register as well.  He said Bruce Springsteen once reneged on an appearance, and they tried to get Arnold Schwarzenegger so many times that they finally relented and gave Shearer the character of McBain.  Hank also enjoyed meeting Steve Sax and a number of the other baseball players in the classic “Homer at the Bat” episode.

 

Michael Jackson’s uncredited appearance in Season Three made for a great story.  His table read was the only one to take place offsite, with Jackson insisting it be done at his manager’s house.  Azaria said he was friendly but quiet, and didn’t interact much with the others.  Most surprisingly, Jackson had a sound-alike in his entourage, and the singing done in the episode (Lisa it’s your birthday, Ben, Billie Jean) was actually this other guy.  Michael Jackson is a singer, but he had someone sing for him while he did the voice work.  Azaria said Jackson was never known for doing things normally, so this should not be surprising.    

Azaria had his first child, Hal, in early June.  He was born nine weeks premature and Hank has been “living at the hospital” for most of the past seven weeks.  There was a good chance Hal would be able to come home this week.  It was nice seeing this side of  Azaria.  He talked about going out with Hunt for eight years, but it all falling apart after only one year of marriage.  He is very dedicated to “Determined to Succeed”, the charity he co-founded to provide educational support to low-income, inner city youth.  He collects Simpsons animation art of characters he voices, plays in a weekly poker game ($5/$10 no-limit) with other Hollywood celebrities, and is a huge Mets, Jets, and Knicks fan, with Walt Frazier being his childhood idol.

 

Unfortunately, he is not much of a hockey fan, and that is problematic for me.  I spoke to Hank at length about my desire to be on an episode of the show.  This has been the number one item on my “Bucket List” for a number of years.  He wouldn’t say no, but he did say the chances were remote.  He told me how Hayden Christenson approached him a number of years ago about wanting to be on the show, and Hank arranged a trade with him for a small part in Star Wars.  When Azaria first approached the writers, they had no desire to write a part for Christenson, saying the most recent Star Wars movie had “sucked”.  But he finally talked them into it and called Christenson with the news.  He has not heard back from him to this day.  He was stiffed by the man that would become Darth Vader.

 

I reasoned with Hank that I’m no Anakin Skywalker, but maybe I could introduce him to the athlete of his choice.  Heck – what do you give the guy that makes a half-million dollars an episode?  Hank said to leave it with him, but pointed out that he’s repeatedly asked the artists to create an animated version of himself, and he can’t even make that happen.  Hmmmm – maybe I should be trying to befriend the writers.   

Ninety-minutes after we sat down for lunch, it was all over.  Hank had been very generous with his time, but he had to get to the hospital.  He recorded a voicemail for my cell phone, gave me his own script from the reading, showed us to the studio gift shop, and off he went.  It was an amazing experience, one I will never forget.  Working with celebrities has been my profession for a number of years, but for a few hours I got to be a fan.  I had forgotten how enjoyable it can be.

Tags: Simpsons

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